THE KEY TO SUCCESSFUL INTERNATIONAL EXPERIENCES
by Mel Copen September/21/99
© Mel Copen, September, 1999
One of the best pieces of advice I ever received for building successful relationships, whether of a personal or business nature, was one of the oldest maxims known to man – the “golden rule.” Do unto others as you would have others do unto you. However, it comes with small print, a “caveat:” modification is required when cultural boundaries have to be crossed.
The problem arises not so much from differences in basic human values, but in the way we interpret behavior. Each culture develops its own patterns, and the meaning of a certain action in one may be interpreted quite differently in another. Consequently, to achieve a desired result, one may have to “do differently to others as you would have others do unto you.” Let’s look at a relatively simple example – the way personal space is treated in different parts of the world.
Two people from the same culture talking to one another, if free to move around, will invariably end up at a very predictable distance from one another. Look around you, and check it out on yourself. However, that distance will differ from culture A to culture B. In many parts of the Middle East, for instance, people are most at ease when they can actually feel the body heat generated by another. That’s a fairly close distance, although not as close as you might think, since we tend to be much less sensitive to such clues. In the US, the zone of personal space that we “carry” around us tends to be larger. Any incursion into that space by another person takes on special meaning – either intimacy or hostility, depending on the circumstances and the speed of the move.
Consider now what happens if we apply the golden rule concept to a meeting between two strangers, a Middle Easterner and a macho American male. As the conversation proceeds in a positive manner, the former, signaling comfort with the relationship, moves closer. However, the intended signal may be received quite differently, and the latter not only becomes uncomfortable, but he moves back – conveying another and more negative message to his fellow conversationalist. If neither understands what is motivating the other, both are now wondering what is going on. Seems like a small point, but important relationships can be broken on just such matters.
As one travels around the world, its easy to observe many patterns that differ from one’s own. Unfortunately, not all are obvious, and even the meaning of those that are visible is not always clear. The main point is that it is important to attempt to understand the motivation behind any behavioral pattern that does not seem “right.” Understanding this motivation is the basis for establishing rapport. Then the ideal is to develop skills in applying those patterns (i.e. developing a repertoire of behaviors), or at least a tolerance for them, so that true communication can take place. Again, lets look at spatial examples.
In the US, even men who know each other well normally shake hands. Women may or may not. A hug is reserved for a relative or a very close friend and a kiss is strictly between the sexes. The handshake is firm, relatively brief, and matter of course. Anyone who expects this around the world will be surprised. In India, the handshake will be much less firm. And it may last for a considerable period of time. Its always amusing to see our macho American man squirming as he tries to figure out how to get his hand back diplomatically under such circumstances. In Russia, watch what happens the first time Macho Man gets a kiss, perhaps on the lips – from another male. Go to Latin America, and certainly after the first meeting, a big “abrazo” or hug is the norm. Macho Man will probably find that a bit awkward at first, but hugging is not bad and it’s easy to get used to. And after the second meeting, a hug and a kiss on the cheek for a woman acquaintance is the expected norm. Try that in China and you are likely to end up in jail. In many parts of the orient, touching is not normal. In recent years, given the enormous amount of western contact, men will generally exchange handshaks, but in Japan, for example, the bow is the still the accepted way of greeting among the Japanese. And that bow, the way it is done and its depth, is also a way of communication among members of the same culture. It is almost assured that Macho Man will have difficulty executing a bow, not only because it feels awkward, but because in our society it is a sign of subservience – a negative cultural trait. Not so elsewhere.
We have a tendency to assume that what we do is natural – the norm. We expect others to do the same, and we ascribe our values and interpretations to their actions as if they were based upon our own cultural system. This can lead to problems. The person who is going to be successful must make an attempt to understand what the behavior means.
It is not only the behaviors that obviously different that create problems, but often the ones that appear to be the same. For example a shaking of the head back and forth in India in response to a question does not mean yes. It often means nothing more than “I heard you.” And even a verbal “yes” in Japan may signifies the same tyep of acknowledgement, rather than agreement that we may assume.
Once the understanding is there, two choices remain relating. One can develop a repertoire of behaviors and employ these new patterns according to the circumstances – i.e. respond in ways most meaningful to the other – or one can continue with the patterns that are comfortable, but recognizing the meaning of the “communication” that’s taking place. Frequently it is better to do the latter rather than risk doing something incorrect that may lead into deeper misinterpretation. However, if on takes this path, a special effort may be required to “translate” your own behavior into concepts that are meaningful to the other. In most cases, simple explanations and talking openly about what is taking place will suffice.
The key to successful relationships across cultural boundaries is to put oneself in the other person’s mindset in order to understand what is motivating him or her. Otherwise frustration is bound to result. So much of the misunderstanding that exists in today’s world comes from a failure of people either to understand this point or to take the time to implement it. Shouting louder to a person who doesn’t understand the meaning of the words accomplishes little.
One final point. One need not travel around the world to experience the above. Our own society contains a rich mix of cultures. In some cases, differences are clear, for example where the interaction involves recent immigrants who have not yet adapted. Others situations are more subtle, like differences between youngsters and their parents or between males and females. Try the modified version of the golden rule and see what happens: do unto others as you would have others do unto you, but do it with an understanding of their way.
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